Prologue#
Despair is black.
Along with despair, there is black dust, chokingly dancing in the air.
The sky is ink black, the water is red, the ground is blue, and I emit a silent white.
Red and blue intersect, black and white intertwine.
I remain motionless--
My hands and feet are like prosthetic limbs casually attached, just for show. Someone would surely laugh and say, "Ha! Beautiful girl, come and see the true face of the world with me!"
But I am not beautiful at all, like a black duck, stumbling in dreams.
I'm sorry, I will not become a big, white, beautiful swan, even in dreams.
My body is like a stiff prison, locking me in and locking pain into every moment of the future.
I cannot breathe freely like a fish. The air is even more suffocating than water. Even the bubbles I manage to exhale rise in darkness, then quietly shatter in the boundless darkness.
I want to speak, even if it's to the pale walls, the blurry IV pole at the edge of my vision, or the empty bed with its strange, pungent smell.
But I can't. Death has already taken away my voice, and it may want my life in the next moment.
Such a faint and dim life.
If even the pain is worn away, will I...
Die?
...
★★★
This is a hospital, and I am a patient. The rustling sound is the doctor's long and boring words.
I lie quietly on the white hospital bed, my pale limbs limp, a pure white pillow behind my head, and the overhead light is a glaring white. My scattered long hair is fragmented black.
I try to move my stiff neck, like a clockwork toy filled with lead, ticking slowly.
The doctor stands beside me, his upper body bright white, his lower body curled up in the shadows, saying something.
It's like blowing air into a punctured balloon. No matter how hard you try, all you get is a deflating sound. Although I am trying my best, my voice is still weak and small.
The doctor leans his ear close to my mouth. Can he really hear? Can he hear? My heart seems to be jumping with anticipation.
My vision becomes blurry, the doctor's voice echoes in my ears like the wind, his anxious face suddenly moves away, the surroundings gradually darken, and black and white noise fills my vision.
If it were the me from before, I would be overjoyed. Being cared for, being cherished, being valued by others. I would be extremely afraid, how could I let...
Let strangers worry about me--
★★★
Since I can remember, people around me often call me "Xun," so I also think that is my name.
Sorry, I haven't explained my situation yet.
I live in an orphanage, or more precisely, a child care facility.
After all, it is well known that not everyone loves their children unconditionally. Of course, maybe it's different for a young couple.
Perhaps it was an accident, perhaps it was a mistake. In any case, I was born.
The young couple did not have the courage to raise a child. After struggling for a few days, I think they understood.
But this world will not abandon me, will not abandon all the innocent babies born into it.
So, we live here.
We usually call her Aunt Theresa. She is a very capable person. She teaches us carefully, telling us stories full of life wisdom over and over again, never showing a hint of impatience.
She punishes naughty children, well, she slaps their bottoms a few times, and with a slightly terrifying sound effect, she tells them the possible harmful consequences. When the child starts to feel uncomfortable and panicked, gentle Aunt Theresa comes back. She gently strokes the head of the once "naughty child" and holds their hand, patiently teaching them.
In fact, I still haven't figured out whether Aunt Theresa's slaps or her hand-holding grip is stronger, but we believe in her nonetheless.
Of course, Aunt Theresa also takes us to see doctors, teaches us about the physical knowledge of boys and girls, protects us from harm, and tells us bedtime stories.
But there are things that our deeply trusted and beloved Aunt Theresa cannot do.
★★★
How did the accident happen?
Was it on a sunny day? No, it doesn't seem to matter how it happened.
In any case, the result was that I fell, like a doll suddenly losing its soul, everything suddenly became powerless.
There were earlier signs, right? Like buttons that couldn't be fastened no matter how hard I tried, trembling forks that I couldn't hold steady, soup splattered on my pink dress...
But those were just jokes, right? Nothing serious. Bad things will pass, life will get better. I firmly believe in that.
When did I wake up? Was I asleep?
I listened quietly to the adults talking about words I couldn't understand. Oh, is the world really so complicated? Anyway, I got a disease called "amyotrophic lateral sclerosis" or something like that.
The person speaking, no, let's call him the doctor in the white coat, looked at me sideways, his eyes seemingly indifferent but filled with heaviness.
I felt curious because no one had ever looked at me with such seemingly novel eyes before.
I made my face bloom like a petal, a smile deeply blooming on my face. Oh, why did the doctor turn his head away? Aunt Theresa would smile at me.
★★★
I moved to live in the hospital.
Aunt Theresa didn't come, instead, a companion named Siren came. He is two years older than me. When he saw me, his nose wrinkled tightly, tears welled up in the corners of his eyes. He clearly wanted to say something, but he couldn't. It was as if tears would gush out of his throat if he opened his mouth.
Why make such a terrifying expression! I'm really scared!
So, I did the same thing again. First, I pressed my lips tightly together, then I showed my front teeth, exposing all twelve teeth. I imagined the corners of my lips curling upwards. Oh, sorry, I laughed at my own appearance. Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to.
Luckily, Siren laughed too.
Such a suspicious smile? He was still crying.
...
Siren left, sobbing.
Siren is definitely not a crybaby! Siren is an amazing big brother!
Yes, I swear on my pink butterfly hairpin.
I like to put it in the sunlight and watch the blue pearls shine brightly.
This was a gift that Siren gave to the crybaby.
Huh? My vision is getting blurry, a familiar sourness gathers at the corners of my eyes, then turns into large teardrops that fall from my cheeks.
Huh? Is this an uncomfortable feeling? Why do I feel uncomfortable?
I cover my head with the blanket and cry softly.
★★★
Today is an outing day, and I'm excited to the point of almost flying.
Everything is so new and exciting.
The warm sunlight shines on my body, the wind gently brushes against me, and the air is fresh and green.
My arms don't seem as stiff. I sit in a wheelchair, with the doctor pushing it from behind.
I raise my hand above my line of sight, and the sunlight shines through my palm, emitting a faint red light.
The blue and red veins extend and intersect on the back of my hand.
There is still newly fallen rainwater on the stone path, and a few green grasses sprout from the cracks on the side of the road. Transparent water droplets stagnate at the tips, then fall with a crisp sound from the grass tips.
★★★
Does it feel like riding a roller coaster? Aunt Theresa once played with me on one.
Is it an exciting feeling?
No, I feel like it's an unpredictable feeling, like being on a roller coaster. They say people become excited in this situation, waving their hands and feet, and all unhappiness is completely eliminated.
But I'm not unhappy, I just...
Feel lost--
Do balloons float away from the ground? Where do they float to? I have no support, no one to rely on.
My arms start to disobey me. What a naughty child! Aunt Theresa will scold you, then kindly hold my hand...
It's really warm.
Not a sour numbness, no sudden needle-like pain.
...
★★★
What kind of person is the doctor?
I have never heard of him before.
Is he gentle? Is he with a gentle and beautiful girl? Ugh! I'm not thinking about those strange things!
I'm fourteen years old~
If everything were normal, what kind of girl would I be?
Hmm, wearing a pink butterfly hairpin, blue pearls shimmering in the sunlight, with black loose hair. My face is pointed, with a few freckles. My skin is fair but has a healthy rosy tint. My nose is small but slightly pointed, probably because Aunt Theresa pinches it often~
I would be wearing a light pink dress, with a long skirt twirling perfectly in rapid spins. My slender arms wouldn't be too thin, dancing in the air with strength.
My vision would be lowered, revealing my round and slender legs, shining with a fair beauty under the sunlight. The calves would slightly protrude, supporting agile jumps. On my feet would be silver fabric ballet shoes, with a moonlight-like texture, and the light tapping sound would be so pleasant to the ears.
Underneath my feet would be a calm lake, reflecting my pale face.
What kind of person is the doctor?
Sorry, I can't make any sound anymore! Let's put this question aside for now!
★★★
I gathered all my strength and made a small decision!